Stand Up Straight

Before FB there was MySpace, which was more about blinging up your page, & sending messages than astute personal observations on the world. Since the arrival of FB in my life, my writing has got lazy. It’s easier and quicker to write status updates than to hone carefully written blogs. It used to be that I would need to write & couldn’t leave the house until the itch was scratched. Now I feel satisfied [you know, in a shallow immediate gratification kinda way] by FB contact & I play with words less often. I used to put it down to not having my Table any longer, but I now I think I’m just spread a little thinner.. And no one reads blogs so much it seems. I started scanning through a week’s updates, like notes I took, and throwing them together into a semi-coherent blog.  I still want/need/love to write, so I guess it’s just down to discipline..

As a kid, 2 of the strongest lessons I learnt were 1. stand up straight darling and 2. scalding water is essential for hygienic washing up/doing the dishes. Our office recently installed a gas burner in the eating room. There is 1 wok which they use for boiling rice, stir frying pork – you name it, what isn’t microwaved is fried. Or fried, then reheated. There is zero hot water in most houses [unless you're lucky enough to have a shower heater in the bathroom] ~ so I’m wondering as to the truth of Pop’s ‘Washing Up Discourse’, as no one here gets sick from dirty pans..

As a jar lover, I watch with restrained curiosity – everything here is in plastic bags – even cooking oil. It’s not like this is a town of jam makers – there’s no mason jar shelf in the supermarket, and ovens are few & far between ~ so I let the OCD monkey-mind jar-thoughts just slide by. They have unprecedented elastic band tying skills – I’m learning slowly..

I intentionally swore at a bunch of boys in class 1 month ago. They drove me so nuts I was miserable for days afterwards. I didn’t like the me that I was being, so I wrote their names: Ice, Noom, Gun, Champ, Gid, Tam, Palmy, Sax, Poom, Diw, Pepo, Bang, Te, Nam, Job, Nang, Eve, Pond, Kag, Prem, Ning, Fon ~ in my journal & Ho’o Ponopono’d my ass off for a week. “I’m sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you, I love you”

1 month later & I adore spending time with them. They’ll be a hard class to leave. Most of the challenge with the non-boffs, is finding stuff to teach which will engage them without being too hard, not too easy so that they slink off, and allowing them to learn/copy as they need to. If you ask them to write in their notebooks, they just won’t bother. Give them a piece of paper, which they think will be marked & they’re all over it. While some are huddled together over 1 dictionary, I’m stealth-jedi chatting with the others about their hair, contact lenses [for £6 they buy lenses with huge black irises - like comic books. I call them alien eyes] or Justin Bieber. Yesterday I told them all that no one knows I have any Lady Gaga in my possession, I only have it for them & that my street cred would be shot if the truth was out. Not sure they got it..

I did a movie survey with M4 [16/17 years old]. Angelina & Brad won as best actors ~ I felt it was my duty to teach them to say “Angelina kicks ass”. Emma Watson, Harry Potter, Robert Pattinson came runners up. When I ask why someone is their favourite, it’s either “beautiful” or “sexy”. Which explains the Lady Gaga obsession..

PS: I’m still very grateful for the ‘stand up straight’ instructions.

Sugar & chili mix, ready for dippin

 

Exquisite

Thailand is so freakin beautiful I feel greedy looking sometimes  ~ like my eyes are gluttonous & I’ll get stuffed! I’m sure that most animals here are born half deaf – dogs sleep by the side of the road & wander into coming traffic. The insect chorus is so loud at night that surely they’re deaf, right? Giant hairy caterpillars cross the road with alarming focus ~ each time I see one, I think “Why did the hedgehog cross the road?” How many make it?..

So It’s easy to ride along watching out for deaf, loco dogs & other bikes, forgetting to appreciate the land. The paddy fields are at once the most beautiful invention by man AND the most backbreaking. It’s hard to appreciate them without knowing of the blood sweat & pain it takes to farm them. I watched “Blood Sweat & Takeaways” last week ~ all the more potent for being in Thailand whilst seeing it. I know how the editors mess with documentaries [Yessiree!] and I’m sure the spoilt brats are not that spoilt, but it’s a stunning insight into Asian farming & Western complacency.

I miss my Frye boots. That’s about it. Living with open windows & doors 24/7 is heaven. Fall/autumn fill me with dread & winter full on panic [unless I'm in Sedona] ~ no risk of that happening here. Still the rains pour down & I love it. The river rises, the river falls, the avocados are in season, the papayas are not ~ and so the circle of life continues.

Teaching continues to be extraordinary. Hooligan kids suddenly become polite & work hard. Or at least tone it down. The horrid boy I gave a horrid nickname, brought me to tears when he sat still [for the first time], didn’t shout [for the first time] & actually did his own work without copying. Just seeing his little fingers wrapped around a pencil, biting his bottom lip ~ oh my heart.

Jintanakarn [imagination] is my mantra. And as their concerns are primarily surface – everyone wants to be beautiful [with white skin] I write on the blackboard: Brains = Beautiful. Copy = Ugly. So now the Copy Police shout out each time they see another kid copying. Ha

The kids I like really respond to being liked. It’s like watching flowers opening at dawn. I can’t pretend I don’t have favorites – I do! And the ones who make me laugh, get away with mayhem. I allow the rhythmic ones to drum their desks, or the physical ones to move around, because they work better ~ the class is like an amorphous mass with each kid playing his/her own part in the game. I’m sure there’s tons of info about this in the teaching manuals I haven’t read, so I’m just figuring it out as I go..

Born to ride. If ever there was any doubt I was a biker ~ all doubts are vanquished! On Sunday I went on my longest ride since I got my motorcycle license. I’ve been a townie biker for so long, even the thought of long distance journeys tired me. And I always think I’ll break down alone, & being a complete girl when it comes to engines I avoided solo missions. Enough already! With Kate & Jaime I rode. Best day ever. I didn’t care where we were going, or what we saw when we got there, how much sun burnt me, how cold the rain got or how many bugs death-dive-bombed into my face ~ me & my Suzuki – in the zone..

At last avocados are in season. I’ve figured out sprouting & at last found some seaweed, so now I have some real food! Only a matter of days & already I feel waay better.

Only 6 weeks till Bali & really real food, green juice & C O L O N I C S. I came here with nothing to lose ~ I leave with so much to give. Thank you Thailand for this time. Aho ~

Rainy market

Thailand does good clouds

Rain break

Kate

Jaime built Kate a bridge

Nan Noi [sp?]

Helmet Head

Sneak peak at my desk project..

Imagine going to school & seeing your name all over the desks..

I think there’s a child under the green poncho..

Deveraj Hotel

 

the air is too swollen to breathe

Cafes & rain & cafes & rain..

 

Who Am I

I felt a strange urge to lie down. This came to me in those moments between the worlds:

∞

When you wrote this morning ‘…but you are writing your book?’

I had several kneejerk reactions.

∞

Shame for being lazy. Guilt for not being creative. Embarrassment for not fulfilling my potential. Pressure to come up with quick excuses.

∞

So I fell quiet. And reviewed.

∞

This is not my season of fruit and plenty.

This is my ‘winter’ of solitude. Reflection. Regaining & rejuicing

[not literally of course, there's no juice here & very few vegetables]

∞

I’m working full-time in 95 degree heat. That has been enough. From the brink of bankruptcy, I’m paying rent, paying bills, feeding myself & learning a new job. Living in a town where few people ever move away or dream bigger than marriage & work. Who I am to deserve more?

∞

Who am I without being ‘special’. Without pressure to do or be. Where no one knows me. Or cares about anything I hold dear?

I was here for a few weeks, before the silence. Before the voices stopped telling me I wasn’t living up to expectations, that I wasn’t as shiny as usual, I was disappointing people & myself. Ah the peace.

You see the perils of knowing so many extraordinary people ~ constant pressure.

∞

So I am being gentle on the parts of myself ravaged by the past year.

I am removing myself from all which continue to bring or feed drama in my life.

I forgive all words acts & deeds, but I have no need to crave more of that which is unbearable.

∞

So I’m in absolute isolation. Who I am without all [people places things] that has shaped & inspired me for the last few years.

Each time I’m tempted to defend myself; right wrongs; correct imbalances, I know that it’s out of my hands and there’s nothing I could or should need to do.

I can only double check and recheck again, that I acted with integrity.

∞

As Walker said

‎”I’m starting to see that the most important people in your life are not those that you long for,

but those who show up for you!”

∞

Several people have dropped from my life – for the those who didn’t ask me directly for the truth of my experience - I’m saddened. I willingly release you. For those who showed up – eternal gratitude.

∞

But I know that this unexpected [what another one?] redirection is because I wasn’t dreaming outside the box. So the sadness turns to strength & freedom for new visions. Reshaping oneself without any outside [physical] influence is as uncanny.

Who Am I?

∞

“Never defend yourself of words from a fool unless you are willing to become his/her equal.”

 

There is no cold: only degrees of heat

The rain has unplugged my blog block. After 2 months of relentless heat, sweat, exhaustion & puffiness, the rains have come. And with them words. A garbled, rushing, torrent of words.

Somehow, this girl who flunked languages at school, is a language teacher. And loving it. I love the teaching, I love the kids, I find the system insane & frustrating ~ all the things I’ve read about education & would love to introduce are impossible to apply here, and not speaking the language makes basic discipline challenging. At the beginning I loved the smart kids who made my job easy. Now I look forward most to the vibrant English-less kids who have so much to say & no linguistic talents [seeing myself in them?]. They make me laugh, sign language is paramount & I’ve talked more about football in 2 months, than in the last 10 years. Imagination [jin-ta-na-karn] is not encouraged, so gently we’re fostering a mini-revolution. The ladyboys keep the usual testosterone-high balanced. In a school with a majority of boys, they are entertaining, smart & worldly.

There is so much to say about living here [some things I will need to save until I've left, lest I'm accused of treason - a very real possibility] – it took me awhile to ‘arrive’. Then a little longer to feel the relief of not being in England and realizing that I NEVER need to go back, if I don’t want to. There is so much potential outside of a country the same size as Alabama, sometimes you just have to leave & stay away long enough, to breathe it. Being away from ‘the recession’ and the property ladder nonsense is peaceful. People here buy houses to live in. And then pass them on to their families. Kinda the way it’s meant to be. The whole world is obsessed with money, we all just do it differently. Social & consumer priorities are different. And like anywhere foreign there is beauty in not being able to understand what’s going on around you. Tranquility in peopled isolation.

It’s a life subject to weather & critters. Go away for 2 days & there are mushrooms growing in the bathroom, insects have moved in & the geckos have pooped a cup full of guano. Because of the weather, they mostly used polyester sheets & plastic shredded [I think?] crunchy hard mattresses. Jodi was laughed at for asking, prior to coming, if she needed to bring sheets. The answer is yes. Cotton bedding is hard to come by & expensive, but OH so worth it. Ants love me. They love my room. They flash mob me in the most random places. I’m told they’re hungry & thirsty at this time of year, so I feed them sugar water, but it makes no difference – I sweep 3 x a day & still they come. The dead ones shrivel up like tiny dried spiders..

Since I arrived there have been weekly heavy showers, which come on quick & then the blue skies & blazing sun return. The rain hits hot streets & the molten puddles evaporate quickly ~ I ride through them singing Jim Gaffigan’s ‘Hot Pockets’ ditty.. People ride mopeds either covered in ponchos [you need at least 2 so 1 is always dry], or holding umbrellas. The skilled can hold umbrellas & smoke, with 2 people behind.

And the the weekly [usually night time] showers become real monsoon – with thunder & lightening over head. And they kept falling. Remarkably the streets were virtually puddle free – drainage is amazing – LONDON TAKE NOTE, yet the river is bursting it’s banks – flowing fast & strong.

Swarms of bugs hatched under the downpour, straight into the waiting beaks of birds, who left their wings in a pile, gobbling the grub-like bodies & swooped for more, as thousands upon thousands of flying bug things rose under the downpour. Ants are crowding the house [yes, more than usual] and we are on the lookout for the small, slow-moving beetle which is only seen once a year, bites like a MOFO & then slowly inches away. The roosters wake up @ 5.30ish instead of 3.53am [precisely] ~ iLike

We may need a boat.

I’ve begun to receive love-packages of superfoods. I will survive afterall. My veins are running with chlorophyll again. I dream of a month without MSG & sugar for everyone here ~ oh imagine…

I’m back on a motorbike. Always a bit slow at the start, reluctant to ride without full protection, I am so happy to be on two wheels again – each time I get on my Suzuki [seriously, about time, right?] I like to think I’m channeling a little bit of Ewan & Charlie. It costs £2 a week in gas & they drive really safely up here – down south with the tourists & big trucks is a different story. The crossing traffic at lights are allowed to turn right, before vehicles going straight ahead – very civilized. They don’t use their horns like in India, so there’s no ‘dance’, but it’s less stressful & easier than London.

I’m told there are now around 30 farang in town, though we rarely see any of them. I tell you, I long to be in a room filled with people that have made a commitment to improve their health again. I miss that contagious vibe. I am isolated in isolation. Exactly what I asked for & different than I expected. The voices have stopped. There is nowhere I need to be. Nothing I need to be doing. No pessimism surrounding me, no pressure to be special, succeed, or prove myself. So, now from this new space, what will I come up with? Being away from ‘community’ is given me space to rethink, reshape & redesign without influence…

Ok, I have several drafts saved, with words piling up. Yes this is random-helter-skelter – not my best writing, but better hit publish, that not.

The garden prior to rains

Same garden – water up to the back door

Waist-high in water, collecting bugs to eat..

 

English For Today

This week was my turn. I chose M2/5 [13/14 years old]. Mathayom 2 is divided into 9 classes 2/1 [smartest] – 2/9 [less academic], according to exam results. They stood up in front of the whole school – 2600 students + teachers & presented a new word in English. This was their 1st time [usually /1 gets chosen] – they were shaking beforehand & they felt like rock stars afterwards!

I’m sure there are lots of goodies on the school site – if you know how to navigate in Thai. There are a couple of small pics in there of me Vogueing it..

shimmy shimmy

Name is astonishingly fluent at English – better than most of the Thai teachers. He listens to a lot of Lady Gaga..

✘

 

bonerattler

6.5 hours in a suspension-free bus, designed to seat people shorter than 5’4″ – it’s been awhile since I made that kind of journey. Chiang Mai is my salvation, my sanity. A plethora of farang, fresh green juice, bee pollen, salads, cinemas & bookstores tickle the parts Nan cannot reach. Coming home to Nan is always sweet – I love the quiet, the animals, the river & the smaller critters [cockroaches & rats in Chiang Mai are HUGE], but staying here without escape is unthinkable – green vegetables are rare..

This weekend the planets aligned & my friend Poteet was in Chiang Mai ~ we had sumptuous catching up time ~ flexing my mind in ways neglected since New York. While teaching English has given me a unexpected appreciation of my language, my vocabulary is rusting without use & variation. I crave to hear, read & speak more than Nan allows. Not only did she bring language, but cacao beans. And her iPhone ~ she downloaded Hipstamatic & we began to play. This application kinda disturbs me. It means anyone can make great images, without needing a good camera, or any knowledge of editing software. Which means I need to up my game.

This time I discovered Rimping supermarket ~ and devoured organic spinach. After 3 months without juice, spinach & partays ~ I’ve overdosed on pleasures this weekend. Still a little fevered and achy after spending Friday in hospital being checked out for malaria or dengue fever [of course I thought it was meningitis or encephalitis = too much House MD] watching Inception & The Sorcerer’s Apprentice IN ENGLISH!! was a necessity..

Thank you John for an amazing party & yummy steam room ~ I loved being within the conscious community ~ that was the first room of ‘family’ I’ve walked into since arriving in Thailand. More words coming soon ❤

It’s monsoon season! A storm cloud over the Saturday ‘walking market’. I discovered 3 amazing photographers there ~ they use Multiply for showing & selling their work.

Poteet

Semi-detached termite house

New wish list: iPhone

 

Honking

By honking, I mean stinky. Smelly. Foul odors filling the air. It’s hard to describe how gross the markets can reek at the wrong time of day, or when it hasn’t rained in awhile..

Alas durian season is over in this Northern province!

I’m too disturbed by dead seafood – I literally feel I need to apologize ~ “I’m sorry, they know not what they do” ~ to each and every critter, so I avoid that section of the market.

Wasps. We don’t shop here.

Most vendors swat or cover their foods. This lady seems proud of her swarm. Maybe they’re laying eggs which adds to the flavor/goodness?

Beautiful parcels. Their speedy wrapping skills are amazing.

Rank

Whole, inside-out, cooked, small birds. Stinking

Sizzling

I’m a big fan of non-plastic wrapped meat – the more real the better. Stinks though..

 

Gold

 

4 inches

It is never silent here. The quote “solitude is a human presumption” fills my mind at night, along with the song of crickets, lizards, birds & miscellaneous critters I’ll never see. The day time is clanging with cockerels, dogs, motorbikes, temple prayer, birds & rain. I think this hawk moth is the quietest creature here.. ❤

 

Thailand

2 weeks ago I was in New York.

Now I live in Thailand.

Somehow.

Within 1 week of being interviewed, I was airborne, work permit & visa in hand. If only America was that easy..

I find myself wearing long sleeves [unheard of!!] and teaching secondary school children, in the Northern Province of Nan. It’s 8 days since I landed & today is the first time I feel normal, am able to construct a sentence & have a sense of self. Amazing what jetlag & this climate does to me. The average temperature here is 34°C / 92°F & very very humid. I’m in a beautiful house, with a fish farm across the road, parakeets & cockerels next door [see bottom pic], & the Nan river behind us. I’ll be here for several months – unless life without cacao proves truly unthinkable. More when I’m fully reconstructed ~ for now, some snap snaps x

 

New York peace of mind ~

Crazy though it sounds, New York is my default place for inspiration/rest, stimulation/quiet. After the 1st few days of feeling high & running around trying to see everyone [never happens, alas], daily yoga, Baaba Maal [my personal Elvis] @ Fillmore [photo below, not mine] – thank you Nirav; walking miles & miles, kirtan, running round with JGirl & our cameras, sipping tea on the bikini-clad roof terrace of Soho House, Get Your Dance On [best night in aaages] – the noise & intensity begins to overwhelm me & I look within.

There’s nothing like a yang built-on-granite-rock-island, swept clean by a river to activate whatever needs activating. While the family were loving up Eden, I felt deeply pulled to be in New York.

And what it came down to ~ my last few months ~ I was disconnected from Source. Any time I’ve lost touch with genuine glee & gratitude, it’s a spiritual crisis. Because there is nothing else. Period.

Spiritual Liberation by Michael Bernard Beckwith is knocking my socks sideways to Sunday ~ words cannot express. There is no ‘guru’ – it just takes the right words at the right time from the right person to push your love buttons. Done deal. So it took sitting in Central Park, reading the opening chapter, crying a little to re-enter my body & stop wanting to jump off the balcony. Wow. Add a little Paul McKenna audio trance & I’m relatively sane. I never thought I’d say this. Like, NEVER. But Paul, you rock. And hard. Thank you ~

I made new friends. Really really gorgeous people who I adored at first sight. I ate Raw Soul pizza for the first time – officially BPE [best pizza ever]; I stopped consuming nut/seed milk, because I had no vitamix. WTF was I thinking? It does not suit me – after 24 hours of ‘flu’, my nose hasn’t stopped running since I quit & I’m feeling alot lighter. I went upstate & discovered the beauty of the sunset train south down the Hudson. And Walmart’s yoga pants. Judge me if you will, but $8.33 v/ $80 @ Lululemon is a no brainer. No matter how cool their manifesto & that it’s a great place to work..

Thank you to the beautiful Arlene for her tea & coffee package. She contacted me about photography & then loved me up with tea ~ way to my heart ❤

 

May

This mural/painting is 1 day fresh ❤

 

Agave ~

You know I love the stuff. Not.

I conducted a live blood work experiment with Jasmine Scalesciani back in December 08, looking into the effects of agave syrup on my body. Now Kevin Gianni with Dr. Joseph Mercola & David Wolfe are speaking out about the evil shit. Phew. Thank you all for your work & continuing research into health & vitality ~ our sharing of information is changing the world.

Please ask your local restaurants, chocolate makers & ‘gourmet’ chefs to rethink their choice of ingredients. I’m very, very grateful for cafes & stores making and selling raw vegan foods, but it kinda drives me nuts that so few ‘raw’ restaurants actually make food I can [or want to] eat, and that the snacks on offer give you nut-gut, bad breathe, go straight to your thighs or taste like soap. We know better, lets raise the bar ~

I’m skipping with glee that both Quintessence & Rawvolution – my favourite East & West coast restaurants have cut agave from their menus – bring on the treats ❤

11/05/10 – Update.

Vanessa Barg of Gnosis Chocolate has gone to Mexico to witness 1st hand the agave harvest process. She is happy with her findings & will publish a report in her newsletter soon.

As always, figure out what foods suit you & which suppliers make products you like & trust..

 

Dandelion

Pink rubber-glove-handed, I roam the hedgerows seeking dandelion leaves, cleavers, wild garlic, hawthorn & nettles. Potent bounty, free food, wild nourishment, fertile life: sounds of birds & bees, the colors of butterflies wings ~ Thank you x