Come Together

My friend Tiera St. Claire sent me this. Yup, it’s not the usual Suki-stuff, but I keep being drawn back to it again & again. It matters not where it’s from ~ I feel it, and it feels right:

“It is essential that people of similar vibration and intent join together at this time. The cosmic winds that are sweeping through can tear asunder that which is built on shaky ground.

Give to your relationships the care and nurturing necessary to keep them strong to withstand the turmoil. Create solid foundations of love and trust. Look into each others eyes and connect at the deepest levels so that these connections are strengthened and will be recognized in times of stress. Find way to demonstrate love, small ways which act as reminders.

People will begin to leave this dimension more and more as the intensity increases and it is those who feel connected to other people who will feel strong enough to withstand the battering winds and waves as they crash upon the shore of outmoded consciousness and beliefs.

Create networks of support. Show appreciation to those you love. Offer a helping hand to those in need. Search out ways to be in service. The animals are feeling the waves strongly. Talk to them, telepathically and aloud. Assure them of your love, care and appreciation. Be open to receiving communication from them as well, even if this has, hitherto, been unknown in your experience.

When ever possible eat food fresh from the garden as it is being imprinted with the energy patterns of the emerging earth consciousness. Listen to your bodies. They are divine vessels. Feed them with light, with high power nutrition, with connection to the land, with pure water. Rest when ever you are able. Restore your energy on a daily basis.

Allow your intuition to guide you. Trust your heart. Learn to listen to the instinctive heart and to the high heart. This is the core link to your incarnation-al intent. The high heart resides in the area of your thymus gland and is aligned with your Original Source Intention for this lifetime.

Place your hand upon this area – below the throat, above the breasts – when you feel anxious, confused, stressed. Take 3-5 slow breaths as you allow your energy to relax, your legs and feet to feel connected to the earth. Take 3-5 more very slow breaths, allowing these breaths to nourish you deeply – in breath and out breath. Feel the air moving into your lungs, your heart, your cells, your blood. Say your name, internally or aloud and say to yourself :

“Thank You. For being alive at this time, for participating, for adding your unique spark of love and light to the unfolding new life. Thank you for withstanding the buffeting of consciousness as you release the old to make way for the new. You are brave and strong and true.”

There are many of you who are feeling very alone right now. Reach out. Find a way to connect. Human contact is important. Ask your higher self to guide you to situations where you can meet people with whom to connect and then be available for the connection.

Again, place your hand upon your high heart and ask it to lead you to your people. You are all connected to a group or many groups. The tribes are gathering. You may feel pulled to relocate. Some of you will be acting as liaisons, travelling between tribes, disseminating light and information. Others will be anchoring light and holding space for actualising new ways of intentional living and commerce. New ways of living upon the earth are being instituted. The nuclear family structure is toppling as is the dependence upon corporate power structures”.
❤
Meditation

Source of all life
Creator of the universe
Reveal to me the secrets
That I may serve with wisdom and love
Bringing light to the illusions of separation
That we may know the unity that underlies all form

by Tiera St. Claire

 

Inchworm

Rediscovering yourself after diving to the dark places is like being given a truck load more than Santa could ever deliver. The tiniest recovery of mental agility & humor are breathtaking. The “Ah I recognize that Me – she’s the one I lost there for awhile’. Like an inch worm you return. Then slide back a little. The clouds swirl around you & the relief vanishes. But each day you sleep a little less ~ waking up with an active mind instead of feeling drugged & sluggish. No, I didn’t take the meds ~ they are still here on my desk unopened. I have been taking GABA, which worked really quickly when I first took it.

I’ve spent hours walking, listening to words which crowd out the dark thoughts. Napoleon Hill’s ‘Think And Grow Rich’ [which is also better than Sleep Soundly for deep slumber] & Joe Vitale’s ‘The Missing Secret’. When things feel really bleak, positive thinking is too far a stretch & just makes you aware of how far down you are & how far you are from where you’d love to be. Except you can’t really even muster up an emotion as strong as love. So practical stuff, stories, useful exercises, focus ~ all help hugely. And they make you laugh out loud. We like.

The allowing for me was the greatest thing. Allowing no negative influence into my day, no one coming to the door, asking what my plans are, do I have a job yet, ‘isn’t photography a really hard business & difficult to make money’ etc. So in the space of I’m a lock-in with no outside needs, I asked for guidance, inspiration & connection with source. And I received. I needed to point out [again] that I’m kinda thick & they had to make any messages or direction REALLY obvious, lest I miss them. And they came in thick and fast. Downloads, insights, realizations from every direction. During kirtan, whilst walking, in bed, in the tub ~ stuff which now seems blindingly obvious, yet it’s taken me 24 years to figure out [taking 16 as a significant turning point].

Ok, this blog has sat here for 2 days unpublished & though I have more to add, I wanted to again thank everyone for their feedback, love & support. And to say I’m in a very different space now. Different because the homework is working & I’ve never been here before. It’s a good place. I still need to focus & practice everyday [if I don't, boy do I know it!] & miracles are happening.

I’m a sucker for genius ~ of all kinds. Yesterday I spent time with bright minds who further lit & inspired me ~ thank you ❤

Photo by Mixtress Hava – California New Year Vipassana

 

One Eskimo

❤

 

Mental Health

Transparency: please read no further if you’re seeking upbeat, life-affirming words. Recently I have felt anything but. But this is my truth. My recent reality. This is not to evoke sympathy, but to encourage an understanding of a state which even healthy, smart, confident, talented raw-super heros can experience. To admit depression is hard. To describe it ~ I’ll try my best.

My intention is never to take risks with my mental health again. The numbing paralysis of depression is not easy to admit to, especially when surrounded by happy, light-beings around the world. I’ve been here before, twice. Both times coincided with returning to London during the winter, having no home & no money. The last time I took Prozac & it was amazing. This week I went to the doctor and asked for some. It sits beside me now, untouched. I’m glad I took action, and I’m glad I have it, even if I never open the box. Funnily, just mention the P word & people are aghast ~ as though it would be better to be stuck in the painful black pit of hopelessness than to seek a remedy. Actually, just talking to the doctor helped. She didn’t tell me I was amazing, or that it would pass. She wasn’t let down by me, disappointed* that I sat there sobbing, wringing out soggy tissues. She just asked me questions & allowed me honestly [almost] to just tell another human being how miserable I was. *You may shake your head, but the people who think you’re the most amazing are the ones who can’t hear it when you’re not in ‘Bliss Bunny’ state. It’s a downer & if they can’t fix it, they can’t hold space for you. And who can blame them. It’s shakes their idea of who you are. But at the same time your niggling mind resents them for not allowing your fragility, so you end up saying Ho’o Ponopono for them! When I was plumbing the deepest depths someone wrote to me & said ‘Thank God you exist’ & I thought, ‘Oh if you could see me now’. The words ”You’re a miracle”, “You’ll be OK”, “You’re beautiful” mean nothing when you just can’t find a reason to stay alive. Yes, this is the first time I’ve thought of ways out [the lie to the doctor].

Scary thing is, the worse you feel & the darker your thoughts, the better you become at faking it. The smarter you are the more cunning the deception. The people the closest to the edge are probably the ones you’d least expect. They’re not the ones who complain & mope. Dr asked me if I was experiencing any pleasure in social situations ~ ‘I’ve become very good at pretending’ I replied. Masking the panic, suspending anxiety is simple enough when in the company of friends & you almost think you’re ok for a moment, but the minute I was alone I would fall apart. I’ve been gifted a flat for a couple of weeks – it’s having this space to myself that has allowed me to sink; to grieve many losses I didn’t have time/space to process in the last year, to reflect on strange & painful relationship choices & now slowly, to rebuild. By creating ritual around my habits, cleaning the flat & doing laundry ~ the details keep me real.

I have been here before. Last week I really didn’t know I would be ok. Everything was pointless, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been happy. Then, because I overthink, I start worrying that my happiness is dependent on others & that I’m codependent. But then I counter, well we all seek community of some kind. And most people aren’t daft enough to leave their vocation, home & life with zero planning or savings. In America I did find the communities & family I’d dreamt of: [In England it's usually in the local pub or football team - really not me] in Arizona it’s in ceremonies, sweat lodges, hot springs, dance workshops, music in ChocolaTree; in Santa Monica it’s in yoga classes, Rawvolution or Au Lac shut ins. The whole point of life is collaborations, connections & working/playing in a team. That’s why Crisis was so critical for me this year. That’s most likely why I worked in restaurants for so long. That’s why I gobble whole TV series & think ‘Now I get why they want to be detectives – it’s the team building’. It’s shameful to be lonely. I think it’s a family thing – which I don’t wish to give power to, but I need to recognize the patterns of non-dealing. I think I’ve often experienced low-grade, long-term depression living in London, which was easy to ignore because I sank my energies into a vocation I loved & was rewarded for.

“Fellowship is heaven, and lack of fellowship is hell; fellowship is life, and lack of fellowship is death; and the deeds that ye do upon the earth, it is for fellowship’s sake that ye do them.” William Morris

I’ve had support & constructive ideas from the most unexpected people – my gratitude for you is so deep. My red eyes are recovering, the tissue industry will no longer fear shortages & Joe Vitale may sleep well knowing he has helped crowd out my negative thoughts: if you can’t stop them, give them no space to breathe. And that’s the other thing. I know thoughts create things & my intentions manifest & that when I’m in the flow, the law of attraction is working because I have nothing interfering with it within me. Well when NOTHING is working & everything within me IS interfering with it, but I still haven’t figured out how or why, or unblocked the block, & everything is going wrong & I know I’m responsible & I’m in a quicksand of misery – no one else can or will fix things or save me. And ALL that money I spent on NSA & I’m here again, seriously? Yup. Scuppered. Then I listen to more Abraham & think ‘I should have done, could have done’ & I stood in my own stream.

Recovery is exhausting. Rephrase. Recovery last time was long and exhausting. This time is different. I swore this would never happen again. I kept my life relatively safe & balanced to avoid this happening again. And yet here I am. A chain of events 2 years ago unravelled my ’safe’ [not many people would really consider my life safe] little world & threw me out into a road trip. It wasn’t planned. I didn’t decide – other than saying Yes. and Yes again. And maybe therein lies the problem. Going with the flow, hoping things would fall into place, that magic would happen [and it did] & that things would unfold to enable me to stay, launch a dazzling career change ~ didn’t really manifest the way it seems to for other people. Day by day I kept doing what I was doing, or being where I was being  ~ well, just because I had no intuition to be elsewhere. I neglected my finances ~ thinking something would change. I neglected my sanity ~ thinking I could adapt.

I know I am loved, adored, treasured ~ I am grateful. I know I am talented, smart, hot & witty ~ I am grateful. I am warm, dry & I’m working through an ancient stash [praise be] of superfoods ~ I am grateful. I’m also nearly 40, single, childless, bankrupt, homeless, jobless & far from the places I’m happiest in & the people I love. I’m scared. I’ve hit rock bottom. I’m beginning to see a glimpse of light, but I keep slipping back. How much of this is solstice, new year, snow? It makes no difference. So now I’ll turn it all around. I set my intentions. I allow, I soften, I surrender.

“Align your own will with divine will & your Essence Self. Be transparent, innocently allowing magic to come through you rather than needing to create it. Open to heart-knowing & limitless possibilities”

 

Silly Season ~ January Confessionals

I’ve kicked off the year juice by fasting & liver flushing with a client here in London! New Year cleansing continues to be like Catholics storming the confession box once a year to make up for 11 months of sinning. Book me now for your private forgiveness cleanse! I’m available worldwide – sunshine is rarely refused. Bali is the name on many tongues at the moment – the Fresh Start Retreat in Ubud looks amazing..

 

Chaos 22 ~

“Chaos in the midst of chaos isn’t funny, but chaos in the midst of order is” Steve Martin

It’s taken me a while to figure that one out. A long while. Like over 31 555 999 seconds. Without having a base, a home, a sanctuary, safe space or haven – wherever you travel, whatever you’re doing is little more than chaotic floating. Taking it a day at a time, being in the flow, being spontaneous only works if there is order behind it. If there is chaos behind it, it’s not funny, it’s hard to find a sense of perspective or make rational choices. While I was traveling many people wrote & told me how inspiring my journey was to them. It would usually come exactly at a time when I was particularly stressed & finding the adventure contrary to my personality. The OCD nesting, homebunny in me was struggling with being out in the world. I learnt alot. I became very adaptable, flexible & open minded, I figured out what I really needed & what I could do without. How to be discreet & quiet in other people’s spaces, when to arrive, when to leave, what shoes a girl really needs & how to rock a minimal wardrobe.. Those are just the practical things – the easy stuff I’ve already shared or photographed.

I’ve often thought of nomads, olden time travelers, Gypsies & merchants & wondered how they managed – the difference was the culture within which they lived, the customs shared by their families & the rules of the road or the seas. Spontaneously vagabonding alone in the West doesn’t work in the same way. No pirate ship, no caravan, camel or yurt. This blue moon is calling for order..

I now have quiet solitude for a couple of weeks – hermiting, nesting, focusing, creating, reinventing, visioning & making order, for my sanity. Volunteering at Crisis saved my life – funny how that works. I miss having a ‘job’, working in a team & talking with & touching people. Yet, the colonics business took a dive while I was away, clinics are still closing, 1/5 clients are booking & there are no therapist vacancies. So when one door closes..

Now I’m in a Catch 22. With each day I stay here, each old friend I see & new friend I make, a new tender soft root grows. When every atom in my body screams ‘this is not the place for me’, when my heart lies elsewhere, every new root feels like betrayal & makes it feel less likely that I’ll ever ‘get out’ again. Yet to float here without roots = guaranteed insanity. The need for human connection, to be of service & to be involved is basic soul food. Yup, I overthink. Constantly. Working on that…

I’m so grateful for the last decade & happy for it to close. I’m excited the new one is ripe & fruity, right now. We are on the brink of glorious new splendors. I am honored beyond words to share my life with the family, tribe, friends I do ~ you inspire, delight & lead me to ever more delicious pastures ~ I’m tickled pink that we get to play in those meadows. I love & adore you truly madly deeply ✖

 

Avatar

I was itching to see Avatar again within 24 hours. I can’t find sufficient words to describe, so as a friend best summed it up:

“Wholey holy allegorical INSPIRATION batman!! Go see Avatar.. Immediately! Do not pass go! Seriously. You can thank me later. (Or just thank James Cameron and crew.. and yourself) We are the AVATARS!! OM shanti!”

Nuff said. Praise be x

ps. And not just because they are blue & fly purple dragons..

 

Boxing Day

The day of leftovers – the seasonally insane stress is [mostly] over. Some of us are lucky enough to have time to walk, play games & watch more movies today – Santa came & the fridge is full. 19 years since my 1st Crisis Christmas [hold old does that make me feel?] I’ve been volunteering at Crisis homeless shelter again. A lot has altered, & yet nothing has changed. There are new drugs on the street, there are fresh new volunteers working as an extraordinary team guided by inspired shift leaders & I heard Polish, Russian & other languages being spoken by the guests. Both volunteers & guests are a mixed bag, sometimes you can’t tell them apart ~ they span age, class, race & character. It’s a privilege to be part of such a massive undertaking.

The one consistent thing I kept overhearing amongst the volunteers this year “This could happen to anyone. Any one of us could be a guest next year”. And it’s true. There are many educated, sensitive, formerly ’successful’ people there who are no longer employed, housed or cared for. Crisis offers 8 days of warmth, food, hot showers, 24 hour uninterrupted sleep [most hostels don't allow you to stay during the day], clean clothes, hair dressing, needle exchange, optometry, podiatry, massage & dentistry. Oh, and bingo, karaoke, arts & crafts, IT classes, poetry workshops & chess. Around 500 people sleep under temporary roofs for 8 days, and many more are fed in day shelters. Yet, how many other people still slept rough last night, who hadn’t heard of Crisis, or hadn’t been referred to a sleeping shelter?

I’ve been without my own front door key for awhile now. I’ve been without regular work. I know how not having daily structure & purpose, deflates confidence, spirit & hope. How not being useful or of service causes depression which eats away at your soul. [And how shameful it feels to even speak of depression when everyone around you is upbeat, happy & thriving]. I am fortunate that I’ve not turned to alcohol or developed an expense drug habit, which pushed my needs outside the law [which a £500 a day habit inevitably would. Kudos to the energy & determination it takes to maintain such a habit]. And we all think this wouldn’t happen to us. I know that 98% of people in that shelter once thought the same. They too had the spirit & potential that others see in me. I am beyond grateful to be in a warm wifi connected home! That I have clean hair & clothes. I am so so fortunate I didn’t need to eat the meat & 2 veg dinner they served! So this season I am giving thanks for small pleasures. Simple things. Basic luxuries.

That I am loved & missed is the most delicious, fragrant, sumptuous icing-on-a-cake enjoyed in a long hot bath. Much love to you all & the ones you’re with. So much gratitude for so many blessings ~ Context Is All ✖

 

Big Tree Farms ~ Bali

Like we need more reasons to go to Bali! Big Tree Farms is producing guaranteed organic raw cacao products, and many other delicious foods. Seems that up until now most of the ‘raw’ cacao on the market has been heated over 118º.  So the chocolate we’ve been loving all this time isn’t roasted like commercial chocolate, but we’ve yet to experience super-uber-optimal best cacao ever! Big Tree Farms are supplying Essential Living Foods & The Raw Food World.  And then we’ll take it higher ❤

 

Food Inquiry

Our foody times are a changing, again. Many of us share relationships based on what we eat. Or ate. Friendships forged over the juicer, round the chocolate bowl or in an enema grove may stand true, but what happens when the very substance which brought us together is no longer mutually agreed upon. Recently the consumption of raw & non-raw animal substances [deer antler, butter, meat, colostrum etc] as food or medicine has increased & there are interesting reactions in the community. This may sound silly ~ there have always been different beliefs as to what constitutes a perfect diet: cacao, 80/10/10, fruitarians, blendarians, juicers, superfoodists, fasters, natural hygiene, instincto, sun gazers, the Essene diet etc. but this is taking it outside the ‘raw vegan’ box, particularly by people who so strongly advocated the living foods lifestyle not so long ago. Hey, we all like to try & dabble, we’re long past [I hope] counting percentages & we know deep down we’ll always come back to something that works, if it works. I’m an experientologist – all about reaching forward for more, better, higher & brighter.

So, while seeking the best choices for yourself, watch for the results in people’s eyes, skin, belly, sleep quality & energy levels; their disposition, inquiry of mind, spiritual practices & alacrity. If someone is saying they feel great but they looked clearer, fitter & sexier before – watch & learn, whilst looking elsewhere for direction. What works for you works for you.

My background is cleansing – for me the answer still lies in the colonic tube. If something is overly acidic & clogging, it’s long term results will not be radiant health. Me? I’m too vain to get off this raw-gravy train: anything other than living food gives me bad skin, more lines, grey hair, physical heaviness & darker moods. And juice fasting? Ha, forget skin products – I lose 5 years in 5 days, moisturizing only with olive & coconut oil! The last juice fast was tough, but oh so worth it… ✘

 

Funia

Too much fun made way too easy: Photofunia! Discovery of the year & time-troll of today. In bed w/ chocolate brownies, a big pot of bengal spice & movies – creativity knew no bounds – instant vision boards…

 

Juice Juice Baby

I love my other work too! I’m part-way through a DTC juice fast with a client.

Each time I juice fast something new comes up & something old resurfaces. Fasting invariably clears space for new ideas & people. Decisions make themselves fairly easily, amends unsought are frequently offered, creative ideas gathering dust are re-sparked.

Once, that is, you get through the ‘whose f*ckin idea was this, I just want some chocolate” stage. Taking a fraction of your life to witness your eating habits & patterns, comfort cycles & boredom avoidance techniques whilst on the Skinnyfication program, is invaluable. Juice it up x

45th Wedding Anniversary this w/e ❤

 

Bump

Weddings & pregnancies are so beautiful to photograph because everyone is happy, at least 2 people are in love & at least 1 of them is glowing. It’s a privilege to witness. I love my work.. x

 

Beautiful Sensual Awakened

The very gorgeous Lauren Kinsey invited me to grace the pages of Awakened Raw Beauties. I am honored! The questions she asked reminded me of where I’ve come from, shone a light on where I am now & had me juicing up a storm, to get to where I’d love to BE. Thank you Lauren x

 

Star Tickle

Competitions tickle my imagination! A little wary of commissions, competitions are my private butt-kick projects. Jasmine Starr, the most amazing of wedding photographers, is hosting one for tickets to her workshop. Brief: self portrait containing at least 1 star in the image. Still semi-bed ridden with flu, fueled by Chemical Brothers & Underworld, here are today’s offerings..