13/90: seismically |-ik(ə)lē| |ˈsaɪzmək(ə)li|

It’s taken being still and grounded in one place for over week, to have any mental clarity or spacial perspective to write. Posting photos ain’t the same as scratching the writing itch. When I wrote at my (much-missed) table at home, I felt cloistered and delusion-ally private. Being out here in the world, writing anything with depth is way more open and exposed.

What a journey. Covering so many miles (internal = external), meeting so many people, falling in love with I’ve lost-count-of how many views & places - experiencing such profound beauty & change during retreats & festivals – it’s about time I got quiet & integrated. Some things I’d anticipated. Others I overlooked – changing 1 thing at a time is an upheaval – leaving home, work/lifestyle, family/friends, community & country – that’s a whole lotta letting go. It’s 13 weeks since I handed over the keys to my last home. I’m told that the brain takes 90 days to fully detox from any situation = that day 90 is an armageddon, the precipice of my new reality. The words paradigm, abundance & manifestation are overused enough to be losing their freshness to me. My 13 weeks/90 day moment is here and now. And I literally feel old skins slipping away. Primarily new ways of creating beaneries/green tickets, learning to ask for what I want (despite the fear of laughter/rejection), not needing to feel anchored or tied anywhere, yet wanting a base.

  

So, how best to be clear about where I’m at? Being. I’ve stopped trying to make plans – they have a way of changing. The best thing I can do is to get out of the way and to stop should-ing myself. Something has been driving me, to keep going, keep moving, keep creating – pretty much all of my life I guess. I haven’t had to ‘work it’ as much as others around me, but the survival instinct for those without a ‘career path or pension plan’ is unique; the work ethic & tools we learn because we think we must. Allowing myself a little time for integration right now (and how long that will take?) took other people changing their plans so I ended up stuck/stranded here in Sedona. Or that’s how it felt until I breathed into it and looked around me. Grateful now to be embraced by this town which is known to either wrap you up or spit you out. Sleeping outside in the open air & waking up truly happy just to be me. This whole trip has happened through a strange chain of events – at each step I said YES because I couldn’t think of any reason to say no. I loved my life, my home, my work & community – so I wasn’t running away or burning bridges. So since day 1 I’ve trusted (or held that intention) that there was a reason I was here, a bigger plan and purpose & that it wasn’t my business to know what until it was obvious.

I’ve been reluctant to write the inner struggles of staying sane on the road, lest I seem ungrateful for this extraordinary experience. I thrive best on plenty of time to myself, quiet and space. This I underestimated & didn’t carve out enough time to myself since leaving New York. Feeling pressures of finance or visa restrictions meant I kept moving. Being around other people continually means being ON and not giving myself the silence I need to regroup and ground. Which gets me thinking, which ‘me‘ has been showing up? Since getting vortexed this time around in Sedona I’ve rested, slept and sat with time – me is back.

I miss my Top Five back home, who get me – in a way I’m familiar with. I miss the way they know and see me, understand me & laugh at me. Raw family here are witnessing me in a very different context & whilst that gives me space to recreate if needs be, I’m conscious of the roles I played in my old daily life – as therapist, expert, professional, earner, partner, sister etc. If all of that is truly left behind (the threads of joyous contact of facebook notwithstanding) including our social capital (thank you Seoul) what and who do we recreate? More recently I’ve met a person or two who bring out something in me I’ve never seen before. A mix of the old and the new – I’m really really enjoying the discovery.

Living amidst lightbeings whose daily experience of human experience is so vastly different than my citified survival techniques, is slowly cracking open this flower. We truly learn from the children. I filmed Jennifer Warr of Cafe Bliss yesterday. She is one of many extraordinary people I’ve met on this journey – she exemplifies a purity and connectedness which is hard for me to fathom. She spoke of the time she did a 9 day water fast & how pivotal it was in changing her life. Sitting behind the camera, this White World Bridger is always questioning how “Tammy in Ohio” (excuse me all Tammys in Ohio) will receive words which are seem foreign. I pointed out to Jen how few people take the time to hang out alone by a river and drink water; how few people would schedule 9 days into their annual alloted vacation time, or even how rare is to have 9 days stretching ahead with no place to be, or no one expecting them. She giggled. She’s the smart one. Today I am such a person. How will I spend the next 9 days? At this point I have no idea what happens next. I’m not attached to any delicious possibilities which may actualize. I’m know that all I have to do is show up & the rest writes itself. I have no flights booked, no dates arranged. I am open…

Jasmine Jivaraw Scalesciani’s new book does like it says on the tin. Accessible to newcomers to raw and veterans alike, with fresh info and wise advice she’s pretty much got it covered. Hmm methinks it’s gift buying season sometime soon? Claire Maguire’s new site The Raw Bombshell kicks some rawsome ass!